Un-Beale-ievable

Hello my friends. Wow, it's been a while.

What have you all been up to? Progressing your careers? Getting married? Having kids?

Nah, me neither. Quiet year really. Hence why I've not been on here supplying you all with fucking hilarious anecdotes and witty repartee.

That was until something magical happened. Something so glorious I couldn't contain myself. I had to log on and type.

That's right my friends, Kurtley Beale. Kurtley-Fucking-Beale.

Wait. Give me a second. Yeah it's still funny.

I don't normally take pride in laughing at people's misfortune. Why?

Because it's usually MY misfortune.

Not this time though.

No, this time others have to suffer the pain of a last minute balls-up. Others have to deal with the embarrassment of leading your school sports-day race only to find your pants have fallen down, tripped you up and left you sprawled on the ground with a grass-burn on your genitals.

There is a great Ian McGeechan quote from the 1997 Lions tour in South Africa.

"When an animal is wounded, it returns in frenzy. It doesn't think. It fights for its very existence."

Now, that may be true. But when the animal in question looks like a startled pug, I don't think we've got all that much to worry about.

Bring on the second test.

Oh, and Kurtley, clean your boots, son.

6 Nations Hero & Villain Award - Week 3

Another week, another action packed weekend of test rugby has passed us by and there were some stand out performances both good and bad.

Hero

This week's 6 Nations Hero award goes to Stuart Hogg of Scotland. I said in a previous post he will be an important element of Scotland's attack in the future and he proved it against France. Alright Scotland lost, but Hogg impressed me immensely and Scotland finally have hope that some talent is emerging in the backline. Well done, sir.

Villain

Now many of you will expect me to give Steve Walsh or Iain Ramage (TV ref) this week's award, but you'd be wrong. As much as I believe Strettle grounded the ball, if the shoe was on the other foot I'd argue 'til I was blue in the face that you couldn't award a try. So someone else gets it this week.

And that someone is the tatooed, butter fingered felch-bucket that is Courtney Lawes. Many, including me, called for him to be back in the England team. He got his chance but broke English hearts. Allowing the ball to be ripped so easily in a strike position for Wales is unforgivable. Alright, Scott Williams finished well *lucky bounce*, but Courtney, Courtney, Courtney, you fucked it up, son. Sadly, he's now out for the rest of the tournament so won't have the opportunity to redeem himself. Fart in a jar for that man.

When Two Objects Collide

When two moving objects, both possessing momentum by virtue of their mass and velocity, collide with one another, there is a total momentum that is equal to their combined mass and the vector sum of their velocity.

The total momentum is the sum of the various individual momentum products. In terms of a formula, this is expressed as MV = m1v1 + m2v2 + m3v3 +… and so on.

Basically, this means that if Manu Tuilagi and Jonathan Davies hit each other at full tilt on Saturday, there’ll be one giant fuck of an impact.

Both men are 6’1”, Davies weighs in at 103kgs (16st 3lbs), Tuilagi tips the scales at 110kgs (17st 5lbs), and according to my calculations – formulated extremely scientifically using a stop watch and clips from YouTube – both men travel at about 18.5 mph when they’ve got the afterburners on. Given they’re both playing at 13 and will have plenty of space to get their speed up I’d wager we’ll see at least one collision that, if inflicted upon us mere mortals, would dispatch us into a celestial realm quick-smart.

It’s set up to be an absolute ripsnorter. Wales are still favourites, but with the changes England have made the chances of an upset have risen, not massively, but they have risen.

Game on.

England: 15 Ben Foden, 14 Chris Ashton, 13 Manusamoa Tuilagi, 12 Brad Barritt, 11 David Strettle, 10 Owen Farrell, 9 Lee Dickson, 1 Alex Corbisiero, 2 Dylan Hartley, 3 Dan Cole, 4 Mouritz Botha, 5 Geoff Parling, 6 Tom Croft, 7 Chris Robshaw (capt), 8 Ben Morgan

Replacements: 16 Rob Webber, 17 Matt Stevens, 18 Courtney Lawes, 19 Phil Dowson, 20 Ben Youngs, 21 Toby Flood, 22 Mike Brown

Wales: 15 Leigh Halfpenny, 14 Alex Cuthbert, 13 Jonathan Davies, 12 Jamie Roberts, 11 George North, 10 Rhys Priestland, 9 Mike Phillips, 1 Gethin Jenkins, 2 Ken Owens, 3 Adam Jones, 4 Alun Wyn Jones, 5 Ian Evans, 6 Dan Lydiate, 7 Sam Warburton (capt), 8 Toby Faletau

Replacements: 16 Richard Hibbard, 17 Paul James, 18 Ryan Jones, 19 Justin Tipuric, 20 Lloyd Williams, 21 James Hook, 22 Scott Williams.

The Klitschkos – How I wish they were British

The Ukraine should be incredibly proud of their two finest sporting exports. Wladimir and Vitali Klitschko have once again shown they’re not only class acts in the ring, they’re also two of the most composed, intelligent and likeable athletes the sport has every produced.

After being slapped at Friday's weigh-in, you’d have forgiven Vitali for knocking Dereck Chisora’s head off there and then. But he didn't.

In the ring before the opening bell, a lesser man than Wladimir would have ended Chisora’s night early after he “appeared” to spit water in his face. But he didn't.

After the fight was awarded to Vitali and the Brit continued to goad him, I doubt anyone would have tried to stop the Ukrainian from sending the smegma stain crashing to the canvas. But he didn't.

It’s no wonder the Klitschkos have been likened to robots in the past. Their ability to completely separate emotion from what is being played out in front of them is remarkable and should be applauded.

They may not be the most awe-inspiring heavyweights to have ever graced the canvas, but both brothers have class in abundance. Something distinctly lacking from Britain’s “top” heavyweights.

I could write page after page on what I think of the press conference antics of Dereck Chisora and David Haye. But you know what? The cunts just aren’t worth the effort.

6 Nations Hero & Villain Award - Week 2

The 6 Nations are resting this week but there is plenty to ponder from last weekend's festivities.

England Italy was hardly a classic, but I was impressed that England didn't panic and chase the game after going behind. Youngs and Dowson need to be dropped though. Youngs doesn't even look interested. And is it just me or does he look like he's got fatter? Complacency, that's what that is. The chubby little funster needs a dose of reality. Drop him, get Dickson in and let's start playing with a bit of vibrancy. Similarly, Morgan needs to start ahead of Dowson, he offers so much more with ball in hand. I also think we need Lawes back in the picture - but I'm probably preaching to the choir here, aren't I? You all know what your talking about - well most of you anyway.

Wales served up another belter of a performance - Wales France really is going to be the game of the tournament - and Scotland gave their fans yet more reason to be depressed as the wheels came off early in the second half. Young Hogg looks like a real talent though and his ability should be utilised to the full if Scotland are to avoid the wooden spoon.

But who are my heroes and villains from last weekend I hear you cry.

Hero

Well, having picked up most of his side's points on Sunday, little Leigh Ha'penny gets the hero gong this week. He is Shane Williams' natural successor as Wales' pint-sized points machine and has the boot of a hero - much as it pains me to say it.

Villain

Whichever cunt decided it would be a good idea to let 70,000 fans travel to the outskirts of Paris to watch a frozen pitch get harder. The organisers should be rounded up, stripped naked and left in a room full of horny male baboons stuffed to the eyeballs with Viagra and tequila.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT

This has absolutely nothing to do with rugby, or sport, or ranting but shit the bed you have to watch this.

I defy even the most hetero ladies that stumble upon these pages to not feel...

...a stirring

6 Nations Opening Weekend Hero & Villain

New for the 6 Nations 2012, the Eyes Right Hero and Villain award. This will be presented after each weekend of the 6 Nations. The hero wins a lifetime subscription to this blog, the villain wins a fart in a jar.

So, after the opening weekend the awards go to...

HERO

Julien Malzieu - Quick, strong, clinical. He will be a real handful this competition and, for my money, could be the player of the tournament.

Allez le stubble!!!




















Villain

Wayne Barnes - Started so well and oversaw the game of the weekend. But two bad decisions cost Ireland the game. A match of that quality should never be decided by the ref.

To the gallows with you, Barnes.




















Who were your heroes and villains this weekend? Leave a comment with your thoughts.

The Hard Luck of the Irish

The 6 Nations is up and running and what an interesting first weekend it’s been. England got the win they desperately needed to give the young pups some confidence. France took Italy apart at what seemed like a canter. And Ireland were robbed.

[Cue Welsh bile]

I know, I know, Wales scored more tries blah blah fucking blah, but the fact of the matter is, my friends from beyond the toll gates, you were very lucky indeed. I have no doubt the legacy of furious fans frothing at the mouth over Warburton’s World Cup dismissal had an impact on Wayne Barnes and his touch judge deciding not to send off Bradley Davies.

You could almost see the fear in their eyes as they consulted over the decision. Even a whiff of red from Barnes’s pocket would have been enough to unleash a baying mob of pissed up Welshies wielding competition sized leeks, poisonous daffodils and Duffy CDs fashioned into rudimentary hatchets.

Perhaps more disappointing though was the match-winning penalty awarded to Wales for the Stephen Ferris “tip tackle”. This wasn’t a tip tackle. In no-one’s world was this a tip tackle, it wasn’t even a dangerous tackle, and it cost Ireland the match.

I agree with the analysis of Guscott, Davies and Wood after the game. The IRB have to act on the tip tackle interpretations as quickly as possible in order to deliver common sense and consistency. We cannot continue to have games being affected in such a dramatic way because of player and refereeing uncertainty.

Davies: Off the ball tackle, lifts player to beyond the horizontal four foot in the air, intentionally drops player, player falls on upper back and neck with full weight of the body

Ferris: On the ball tackle, one leg taken above horizontal, other foot barely goes six inches off the ground, player lands on side

Refreshed, Revitalised, Rejuvenated

My friends, once more have I let you down. Once more have I retreated under the soft, warm eiderdown of obscurity. Once more have I failed to deliver my erudite opinions to you.

I am shamed. SHAMED.

There was good reason for my disappearance, though. I quite simply couldn’t bring myself to discuss any more about England’s World Cup “performance”. I tried to defend. I tried to empathise. I tried to reason. But I grew tired. Tired of defending the indefensible. Tired of berating the unworthy. Tired of wasting my time.

I took a break. Time out to recharge the loins, to gird the batteries, to suckle at Mother Creativity's bounteous teat. And I'm glad I did. I am refreshed, revitalised and rejuvenated. Ready to take on the sporting world, ready to right the so many wrongs I see around us, ready to take you to places you never thought possible (sort of).

I hope you will join me, my friends, I predict a belter of a year.

The Rise of Radike

Over the last six months Radike Samo has proved his career is as robust as his afro. And while it’s a joy to behold his bulbous barnet in full flight, we should all step back and marvel at the remarkable renaissance he’s enjoying in the winter of his career.

2011 may well prove to be Samo’s golden year. Having spent nearly a decade in the rugby wilderness flogging his wares in France and Japan, the 35 year old back-row not only became a crucial member of the Queensland Reds (having been signed as short-term cover for James Horwill), he broke back into the Australian team seven years after his debut – helping the Wallabies win the Tri-Nations while he was at it – and was one of the first to secure a place on the plane to the New Zealand.

A pretty good return indeed.

And now he’s proved so indispensible he’s starting on the wing against Russia this weekend. Is this a sign the wheels have come off for Australia? Or will Samo continue his purple patch with a barn storming performance on Saturday?

It’s fair to say I’m no fan of the Wallabies, but in Samo I’ve found someone in canary yellow I can really get behind.

Don't Drop The Egg - World Cup Special

Good news.

The boys who brought us Don't Drop The Egg have teamed up with our friends at Rugbydump to bring us more offerings from Ollie, Freddie and Archie as they gear up for the rugby world cup.

You have to admire Blazeby's commitment to the cause. I think we should all try to be a bit more like Blazers.

Playing by the rules

Need to brush up on the rules of rugby?

Not sure where to get a concise but thorough explanation of the finer points of the game?

Well, look no further. Let's let the good people of Lynx give us a demonstration.

Rock your socks off

What the hell is going on with James O'Connor's socks? They're not up, they're not down, they're not long, they're not short. Can somebody fill me in?

If they were round his ankles I'd think "Huh, the kid's not pulled his socks up - fair enough". If they were all the way up I wouldn't think anything because, well, he's got his socks up like everyone else. But the bastard's got them set just below the summit of his calves. He's thought about this. He's gone out of his way to get his socks in a place where they would never naturally be. I know this shouldn't upset me, but it does. It really fucking does. It's lucky he's got talent otherwise I'd be shitting blood.

Then there's the question of WHY. Is this some Latham-esque attempt at individuality? Is he so proud of his shaven calves that he simply has to show them off? Or, is he just a twat?

I'm going to let you decide. Please vote on the poll on the right hand side of the homepage and let's see what everyone else thinks.

An Observation

Cian Healy is the most Irish man on the planet.

Fact

Irish eyes, they're smiling now

Well, well, well. Ireland have well and truly thrown the cat among the pigeons. What a game. What a performance. What a result.

I don’t know what was more pleasing, seeing Ireland finally hit the form they so clearly have on paper, or seeing Quade Cooper’s odious little face at the final whistle.


Ireland showed two things in this game. That Australia still have the most impotent front row in world rugby’s top-tier and they themselves have one of the most physical and dynamic back rows in the game – and that’s without David Wallace!! Granted, Ireland’s lives were made easier with the absence of David Pocock, but even so, Ferris, Heaslip and O’Brien were out of this world. In fact, the entire pack was out of this world, they were masterful.

All teams should learn lessons from the boys in green on how to deal with Australia in this world cup. DOMINATE UP FRONT. Australia operate on a different plain when their backs can get ball going forward. But neutralise their ability to play on the front foot and you’ll have them firmly by the balls. The backs will always be dangerous in broken play and on the counter-attack, but if you’ve worked hard enough on your defence you can cope with them.

So, well done Ireland, you’ve turned the world cup on its head and made me look like a lemon. I salute you.

Boys will be boys

So, the World Cup is up and running. England have started in their usual stuttery way, Australia still look like winning it and, with any luck, this weekend we'll see Samoa ending any chance Wales have of qualifying for the knockout stages.

It’s been a good start to the competition. The “minnows” are doing their upmost to cause a few scares and New Zealand are hosting well and doing everything they can through social and online media to engage the rugby public during the hours when we’re actually awake but no rugby is taking place.

All good news then? Well, nearly. Now this may come as a bit of a shock to those of you who are regular readers of this blog, but something’s made me absolutely, unapologetically and apocalyptically angry.

What’s caused this sudden gush of fury, you ask?

Well, according to most sane sources, Sunday night at the Altitude Bar at Queenstown’s Base hostel (high quality backpacker accommodation at a very reasonable rate) went something like this…

The England boys go for some drinks in a bar where entertainment is being provided by some small people – midgets, if you will. The England boys have some drinks and have some photos taken with some of the midgets and fans. Mike Tindall talks to a girl. They all go home.

But the fetid toilet bowl that is the British press have done their usual trick of taking some photos, video footage and hearsay and turning it into the scandal of the century. Every element of the story appears to have been taken out of context, sensationalised to the nth degree and written up in the gutter-press' usual spiteful manner.

So they went for some beers after winning their opening game. So they had some high-jinx (which, unlike some papers would have us believe, didn’t include tossing dwarves). So they talked to some girls. Errrr, hello? They’re professional rugby players with an average age of about 25. They’ve actually been pretty fucking restrained if you ask me.



And do you know what the really laughable thing is? The paper leading the charge on this moral crusade is the same paper whose owners, former editors and reporters are under investigation for allegedly hacking into the phones of murder victims and their families. Moral fucking high ground? Fuck off you cunts.

Keep up the good work England. Life's too bloody short.

Go On Then, If I Must

I get a lot of emails asking why I don’t write more in-depth analysis of rugby matches, teams and players. It’s a fair question, and one with a very simple answer.

I DON’T GET FUCKING PAID.

As a result, you’ll find me wittering on about stuff I like to witter on about. I love the game of rugby but I can't be bothered to try and come up with any deep and meaningful analysis, especially considering the few times I have tried I’ve got it wrong. Look at my prediction about Sharples being our star man for the world cup.

To be fair, though, even with a lack of technical scrutiny, this little corner of the internet gets its fair share of traffic. Amazing considering most of the content is complete bollocks. So in the interest of keeping my loyal and discerning fan base happy it’s time for the latest round of the Eyes Right, Bollocks Tight Cheerleader of the Month. Yee-motherfucking-Ha.

Previous rounds can be seen here, here and here and I think you’ll agree they’ve all been closely fought contests.

I’ve received a number of nominations for this month’s round and you chaps (and some extremely saucy ladies) have done me very proud. So, without further ado let’s crack on with the nominees:









But this month's hands down winner - or should that be hands on winner - is Katie from the Natal Sharks. Woo Hoo.

Commenting on her victory, Katie said: "What? Me? No Way, I don't believe it! All the girls talk about this competition but I'd never entered before and never thought I'd win in a million years. Thank you so much Eyes Right, I love the blog and will make sure I send more pictures in the future"

Make sure you do, Katie. For the love of god make sure you do.

Have a good weekend one and all.

Too Close For Comfort

Anyone who has experience of playing rugby at university, or at a club post-uni, will recognise many of characters and scenarios that make up this genius set of videos.

I pray they make some more. Enjoy.





Thanks to Rugby Dump for the links.

I Predict A Riot

It’s been a funny few days in London. On Monday night I had a grandstand view of the odious little fucks intent on bringing my neighbourhood to its knees – I’ve never longed for a sniper rifle so much in my entire life.

I would’ve loved to lock the cross-hairs onto the heads of the rabid scum, squeeze the trigger and liberate their moronic little brains all over the common. Fertilising the grass dogs piss on is all they are good for.

Alas, all I had was my camera phone and a note-pad, so I noted down number plates and shopped the cunts to the rozzers. Bastards.

But all this action did start me thinking. I was watching London’s riot police in action and thought to myself “Jesus – these guys would be awesome in a rugby team”.

Now, some of you may remember the rugby team I compiled of different food types in honour of Keith Floyd [salutes theatrically], so here is my team of uniformed and military forces throughout history.

I think you’ll agree, this little lot are not to be fucked with – London might have been kept damage free had these boys been patrolling the streets.

1. Loose Head: French Foreign Legion – These boys give up their identity and move to Africa in order to train to be some of the most fearsome fighters in the world. They have beards, axes and hammers. Put simply, they’re nails









2. Hooker: Special Air Service – I’m thinking along the lines of Schalk Brits here. Dropped into situations no one else really wants to go, causes damage, gets the fuck out










3. Tight Head: Riot Police – Love a bosh and aren’t afraid of a full frontal attack from angry hordes









4. Lock: Navy Seal – Big, brash, terrifying. Usually carry around huge equipment designed to kill you










5. Lock: Spartan Warrior – Not phased by being outnumbered 4,000 to one. Actively encourage death. Not afraid of getting their tackle out










6. Blind Side: Gurkha – Mental. That is all











7. Open Side: Para – These guys jump out of planes for fucks sake. As long as you can stop them scrapping with the marine then you’re guaranteed to have a tackling machine who won’t let anything through













8. Number Eight: Royal Marine – Unbelievable stamina, enormous bulk, commands respect and terrifies all comers










9. Scrum Half: Traffic Warden – Everywhere you don’t want them to be. Always get their job done, whether you like it or not













10. Fly Half: RAF Fighter Pilot – Can look in two directions at once and keep even the largest fighting units in check. Class









11. Wing: Samurai Warrior –Will cut you in half and score a try so quickly you won’t know what’s happened












12. Inside Centre: Special Boat Service – Solid, brutal and undetectable when necessary










13. Outside Centre: US Ranger – “Energetically will I meet the enemies of my country. I shall defeat them on the field of battle for I am better trained and will fight with all my might. Surrender is not a Ranger word” – Nuff said













14. Wing: Zulu Warrior – Quick over the ground, able to hurdle six foot walls of grain, love giving the Welsh the fight of their lives













15. Full-Back: Swiss Guard – These guys may look like the crappest clowns at the circus but twice in history have the Pope’s private guard been hacked down to the last man while defending the pontiff. That’s the sort of defensive commitment you want at the back

Twickenham on Pacific?

In what will hopefully be an absolute demolition of Welsh rugby tomorrow, England’s mid-field will line up with the best part of 200kg of solid south sea brawn.

The thought of two players born on the other side of world donning the red rose of England may make the rugby purists spit out their pints of mild in horror. But the prospect of seeing Flutey and Tuilagi in action for England TOGETHER is making the hair on the back of my neck stand on end and my not insubstantial balls tingle.

The vision, guile and creativity of Flutey, combined with the pace, power and sheer ferocity of Tuilagi has the potential to be something quite special indeed. And with Wilkinson pulling all the strings at 10 it could be a very sexy match.

That said, a full international as the players’ first pre-season warm-up game means that errors are likely. But as long as young Manu can avoid situations like this…



I’m sure he will have a major impact on the game.

He certainly seems ready to take centre stage and if this interview is to be believed (courtesy of the awesome fellows at Sportsvibe.co.uk) then he’ll hopefully have his temper under control. He’s clearly not the brightest spark, but hopefully those around him will keep a close eye on his temperament during the game.



Good luck on Saturday, Manu and good luck England. Keep an eye out for Charlie Sharples as well. I genuinely believe he could be England’s surprise package this world cup. You heard it here first.