I Predict A Riot

It’s been a funny few days in London. On Monday night I had a grandstand view of the odious little fucks intent on bringing my neighbourhood to its knees – I’ve never longed for a sniper rifle so much in my entire life.

I would’ve loved to lock the cross-hairs onto the heads of the rabid scum, squeeze the trigger and liberate their moronic little brains all over the common. Fertilising the grass dogs piss on is all they are good for.

Alas, all I had was my camera phone and a note-pad, so I noted down number plates and shopped the cunts to the rozzers. Bastards.

But all this action did start me thinking. I was watching London’s riot police in action and thought to myself “Jesus – these guys would be awesome in a rugby team”.

Now, some of you may remember the rugby team I compiled of different food types in honour of Keith Floyd [salutes theatrically], so here is my team of uniformed and military forces throughout history.

I think you’ll agree, this little lot are not to be fucked with – London might have been kept damage free had these boys been patrolling the streets.

1. Loose Head: French Foreign Legion – These boys give up their identity and move to Africa in order to train to be some of the most fearsome fighters in the world. They have beards, axes and hammers. Put simply, they’re nails









2. Hooker: Special Air Service – I’m thinking along the lines of Schalk Brits here. Dropped into situations no one else really wants to go, causes damage, gets the fuck out










3. Tight Head: Riot Police – Love a bosh and aren’t afraid of a full frontal attack from angry hordes









4. Lock: Navy Seal – Big, brash, terrifying. Usually carry around huge equipment designed to kill you










5. Lock: Spartan Warrior – Not phased by being outnumbered 4,000 to one. Actively encourage death. Not afraid of getting their tackle out










6. Blind Side: Gurkha – Mental. That is all











7. Open Side: Para – These guys jump out of planes for fucks sake. As long as you can stop them scrapping with the marine then you’re guaranteed to have a tackling machine who won’t let anything through













8. Number Eight: Royal Marine – Unbelievable stamina, enormous bulk, commands respect and terrifies all comers










9. Scrum Half: Traffic Warden – Everywhere you don’t want them to be. Always get their job done, whether you like it or not













10. Fly Half: RAF Fighter Pilot – Can look in two directions at once and keep even the largest fighting units in check. Class









11. Wing: Samurai Warrior –Will cut you in half and score a try so quickly you won’t know what’s happened












12. Inside Centre: Special Boat Service – Solid, brutal and undetectable when necessary










13. Outside Centre: US Ranger – “Energetically will I meet the enemies of my country. I shall defeat them on the field of battle for I am better trained and will fight with all my might. Surrender is not a Ranger word” – Nuff said













14. Wing: Zulu Warrior – Quick over the ground, able to hurdle six foot walls of grain, love giving the Welsh the fight of their lives













15. Full-Back: Swiss Guard – These guys may look like the crappest clowns at the circus but twice in history have the Pope’s private guard been hacked down to the last man while defending the pontiff. That’s the sort of defensive commitment you want at the back

Here's to you Mr Floyd

Keith Floyd, 1943-2009. What a man.

Of course he’s got nothing to do with sport but he’s still a legend in Mother Rucker’s book. And what a way to go. Full of oysters, potted shrimp, partridge and Côtes du Rhone. Yes please.

It was the revelation that Floyd had gone out the way he’d have wanted - full of exquisite food and booze - that got me thinking. Many an argument has taken place in public houses across the land as to the make up of the best rugby team incorporating differing person/animal types i.e. your perfect animal front row would be a hippo at loose head, a crocodile (think of the tail) at hooker, and a silverback at tight head. So I started thinking about my perfect rugby team made out of food. Here goes:

1. Loose-head prop: The full English breakfast – inelegant, unhealthy and inevitably too much for you to handle. But when you’re getting your head kicked in by booze or flankers, they’re always there to sort you out.



2. Hooker: Chicken jalfrezi – they seem fairly innocuous but will rip your arse-hole out given half the chance.



3. Tight-head prop: Sirloin steak – simple, meaty, does just what you want it to but must be treated with respect or is liable to get tough.



4. Lock: Pigs trotters stuffed with sweet breads and morels – looks and sounds like something out of Mordor but does things that nothing else on earth can.



5. Lock: Chicken breast – seemingly dull and uninspiring but full of protein and likely to catch something if held aloft for an extended period of time.



6. Blind side flanker: Bread – you never notice it until it’s not there.



7. Open side flanker: Onions – they get everywhere, especially in your eyes.



8. Number eight: A full rack of BBQ ribs – looks too much, weighs too much and if you try to tackle it in one go is likely to make you sick.



9. Scrum half: A jar of marmite – you either love them or hate them.



10. Fly half: Braised Scottish halibut with charred leeks, coddled quail’s eggs, English watercress salad and creamed Oscietra caviar - technical brilliance with a hint of genius.



11. Wing: Eggs – quick, versatile and tasty. Just don’t hit them too hard.



12. Inside centre: Bacon cheese burger – no nonsense. Gets the job done. Never fails.



13. Outside centre: Fig rolls – speed is the key here. And nothing goes through you faster than a fig roll.



14. Wing: Cous-cous – quick, but who gives a fuck



15. Fullback: Chili con carne – safe as houses, always reliable. Often has a bit of kick.