It’s been a funny few days in London. On Monday night I had a grandstand view of the odious little fucks intent on bringing my neighbourhood to its knees – I’ve never longed for a sniper rifle so much in my entire life.
I would’ve loved to lock the cross-hairs onto the heads of the rabid scum, squeeze the trigger and liberate their moronic little brains all over the common. Fertilising the grass dogs piss on is all they are good for.
Alas, all I had was my camera phone and a note-pad, so I noted down number plates and shopped the cunts to the rozzers. Bastards.
But all this action did start me thinking. I was watching London’s riot police in action and thought to myself “Jesus – these guys would be awesome in a rugby team”.
Now, some of you may remember the rugby team I compiled of different food types in honour of Keith Floyd [salutes theatrically], so here is my team of uniformed and military forces throughout history.
I think you’ll agree, this little lot are not to be fucked with – London might have been kept damage free had these boys been patrolling the streets.
1. Loose Head: French Foreign Legion – These boys give up their identity and move to Africa in order to train to be some of the most fearsome fighters in the world. They have beards, axes and hammers. Put simply, they’re nails
2. Hooker: Special Air Service – I’m thinking along the lines of Schalk Brits here. Dropped into situations no one else really wants to go, causes damage, gets the fuck out
3. Tight Head: Riot Police – Love a bosh and aren’t afraid of a full frontal attack from angry hordes
4. Lock: Navy Seal – Big, brash, terrifying. Usually carry around huge equipment designed to kill you
5. Lock: Spartan Warrior – Not phased by being outnumbered 4,000 to one. Actively encourage death. Not afraid of getting their tackle out
6. Blind Side: Gurkha – Mental. That is all
7. Open Side: Para – These guys jump out of planes for fucks sake. As long as you can stop them scrapping with the marine then you’re guaranteed to have a tackling machine who won’t let anything through
8. Number Eight: Royal Marine – Unbelievable stamina, enormous bulk, commands respect and terrifies all comers
9. Scrum Half: Traffic Warden – Everywhere you don’t want them to be. Always get their job done, whether you like it or not
10. Fly Half: RAF Fighter Pilot – Can look in two directions at once and keep even the largest fighting units in check. Class
11. Wing: Samurai Warrior –Will cut you in half and score a try so quickly you won’t know what’s happened
12. Inside Centre: Special Boat Service – Solid, brutal and undetectable when necessary
13. Outside Centre: US Ranger – “Energetically will I meet the enemies of my country. I shall defeat them on the field of battle for I am better trained and will fight with all my might. Surrender is not a Ranger word” – Nuff said
14. Wing: Zulu Warrior – Quick over the ground, able to hurdle six foot walls of grain, love giving the Welsh the fight of their lives
15. Full-Back: Swiss Guard – These guys may look like the crappest clowns at the circus but twice in history have the Pope’s private guard been hacked down to the last man while defending the pontiff. That’s the sort of defensive commitment you want at the back
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