6 Nations Hero & Villain Award - Week 3

Another week, another action packed weekend of test rugby has passed us by and there were some stand out performances both good and bad.

Hero

This week's 6 Nations Hero award goes to Stuart Hogg of Scotland. I said in a previous post he will be an important element of Scotland's attack in the future and he proved it against France. Alright Scotland lost, but Hogg impressed me immensely and Scotland finally have hope that some talent is emerging in the backline. Well done, sir.

Villain

Now many of you will expect me to give Steve Walsh or Iain Ramage (TV ref) this week's award, but you'd be wrong. As much as I believe Strettle grounded the ball, if the shoe was on the other foot I'd argue 'til I was blue in the face that you couldn't award a try. So someone else gets it this week.

And that someone is the tatooed, butter fingered felch-bucket that is Courtney Lawes. Many, including me, called for him to be back in the England team. He got his chance but broke English hearts. Allowing the ball to be ripped so easily in a strike position for Wales is unforgivable. Alright, Scott Williams finished well *lucky bounce*, but Courtney, Courtney, Courtney, you fucked it up, son. Sadly, he's now out for the rest of the tournament so won't have the opportunity to redeem himself. Fart in a jar for that man.

When Two Objects Collide

When two moving objects, both possessing momentum by virtue of their mass and velocity, collide with one another, there is a total momentum that is equal to their combined mass and the vector sum of their velocity.

The total momentum is the sum of the various individual momentum products. In terms of a formula, this is expressed as MV = m1v1 + m2v2 + m3v3 +… and so on.

Basically, this means that if Manu Tuilagi and Jonathan Davies hit each other at full tilt on Saturday, there’ll be one giant fuck of an impact.

Both men are 6’1”, Davies weighs in at 103kgs (16st 3lbs), Tuilagi tips the scales at 110kgs (17st 5lbs), and according to my calculations – formulated extremely scientifically using a stop watch and clips from YouTube – both men travel at about 18.5 mph when they’ve got the afterburners on. Given they’re both playing at 13 and will have plenty of space to get their speed up I’d wager we’ll see at least one collision that, if inflicted upon us mere mortals, would dispatch us into a celestial realm quick-smart.

It’s set up to be an absolute ripsnorter. Wales are still favourites, but with the changes England have made the chances of an upset have risen, not massively, but they have risen.

Game on.

England: 15 Ben Foden, 14 Chris Ashton, 13 Manusamoa Tuilagi, 12 Brad Barritt, 11 David Strettle, 10 Owen Farrell, 9 Lee Dickson, 1 Alex Corbisiero, 2 Dylan Hartley, 3 Dan Cole, 4 Mouritz Botha, 5 Geoff Parling, 6 Tom Croft, 7 Chris Robshaw (capt), 8 Ben Morgan

Replacements: 16 Rob Webber, 17 Matt Stevens, 18 Courtney Lawes, 19 Phil Dowson, 20 Ben Youngs, 21 Toby Flood, 22 Mike Brown

Wales: 15 Leigh Halfpenny, 14 Alex Cuthbert, 13 Jonathan Davies, 12 Jamie Roberts, 11 George North, 10 Rhys Priestland, 9 Mike Phillips, 1 Gethin Jenkins, 2 Ken Owens, 3 Adam Jones, 4 Alun Wyn Jones, 5 Ian Evans, 6 Dan Lydiate, 7 Sam Warburton (capt), 8 Toby Faletau

Replacements: 16 Richard Hibbard, 17 Paul James, 18 Ryan Jones, 19 Justin Tipuric, 20 Lloyd Williams, 21 James Hook, 22 Scott Williams.

The Klitschkos – How I wish they were British

The Ukraine should be incredibly proud of their two finest sporting exports. Wladimir and Vitali Klitschko have once again shown they’re not only class acts in the ring, they’re also two of the most composed, intelligent and likeable athletes the sport has every produced.

After being slapped at Friday's weigh-in, you’d have forgiven Vitali for knocking Dereck Chisora’s head off there and then. But he didn't.

In the ring before the opening bell, a lesser man than Wladimir would have ended Chisora’s night early after he “appeared” to spit water in his face. But he didn't.

After the fight was awarded to Vitali and the Brit continued to goad him, I doubt anyone would have tried to stop the Ukrainian from sending the smegma stain crashing to the canvas. But he didn't.

It’s no wonder the Klitschkos have been likened to robots in the past. Their ability to completely separate emotion from what is being played out in front of them is remarkable and should be applauded.

They may not be the most awe-inspiring heavyweights to have ever graced the canvas, but both brothers have class in abundance. Something distinctly lacking from Britain’s “top” heavyweights.

I could write page after page on what I think of the press conference antics of Dereck Chisora and David Haye. But you know what? The cunts just aren’t worth the effort.

6 Nations Hero & Villain Award - Week 2

The 6 Nations are resting this week but there is plenty to ponder from last weekend's festivities.

England Italy was hardly a classic, but I was impressed that England didn't panic and chase the game after going behind. Youngs and Dowson need to be dropped though. Youngs doesn't even look interested. And is it just me or does he look like he's got fatter? Complacency, that's what that is. The chubby little funster needs a dose of reality. Drop him, get Dickson in and let's start playing with a bit of vibrancy. Similarly, Morgan needs to start ahead of Dowson, he offers so much more with ball in hand. I also think we need Lawes back in the picture - but I'm probably preaching to the choir here, aren't I? You all know what your talking about - well most of you anyway.

Wales served up another belter of a performance - Wales France really is going to be the game of the tournament - and Scotland gave their fans yet more reason to be depressed as the wheels came off early in the second half. Young Hogg looks like a real talent though and his ability should be utilised to the full if Scotland are to avoid the wooden spoon.

But who are my heroes and villains from last weekend I hear you cry.

Hero

Well, having picked up most of his side's points on Sunday, little Leigh Ha'penny gets the hero gong this week. He is Shane Williams' natural successor as Wales' pint-sized points machine and has the boot of a hero - much as it pains me to say it.

Villain

Whichever cunt decided it would be a good idea to let 70,000 fans travel to the outskirts of Paris to watch a frozen pitch get harder. The organisers should be rounded up, stripped naked and left in a room full of horny male baboons stuffed to the eyeballs with Viagra and tequila.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT

This has absolutely nothing to do with rugby, or sport, or ranting but shit the bed you have to watch this.

I defy even the most hetero ladies that stumble upon these pages to not feel...

...a stirring

6 Nations Opening Weekend Hero & Villain

New for the 6 Nations 2012, the Eyes Right Hero and Villain award. This will be presented after each weekend of the 6 Nations. The hero wins a lifetime subscription to this blog, the villain wins a fart in a jar.

So, after the opening weekend the awards go to...

HERO

Julien Malzieu - Quick, strong, clinical. He will be a real handful this competition and, for my money, could be the player of the tournament.

Allez le stubble!!!




















Villain

Wayne Barnes - Started so well and oversaw the game of the weekend. But two bad decisions cost Ireland the game. A match of that quality should never be decided by the ref.

To the gallows with you, Barnes.




















Who were your heroes and villains this weekend? Leave a comment with your thoughts.

The Hard Luck of the Irish

The 6 Nations is up and running and what an interesting first weekend it’s been. England got the win they desperately needed to give the young pups some confidence. France took Italy apart at what seemed like a canter. And Ireland were robbed.

[Cue Welsh bile]

I know, I know, Wales scored more tries blah blah fucking blah, but the fact of the matter is, my friends from beyond the toll gates, you were very lucky indeed. I have no doubt the legacy of furious fans frothing at the mouth over Warburton’s World Cup dismissal had an impact on Wayne Barnes and his touch judge deciding not to send off Bradley Davies.

You could almost see the fear in their eyes as they consulted over the decision. Even a whiff of red from Barnes’s pocket would have been enough to unleash a baying mob of pissed up Welshies wielding competition sized leeks, poisonous daffodils and Duffy CDs fashioned into rudimentary hatchets.

Perhaps more disappointing though was the match-winning penalty awarded to Wales for the Stephen Ferris “tip tackle”. This wasn’t a tip tackle. In no-one’s world was this a tip tackle, it wasn’t even a dangerous tackle, and it cost Ireland the match.

I agree with the analysis of Guscott, Davies and Wood after the game. The IRB have to act on the tip tackle interpretations as quickly as possible in order to deliver common sense and consistency. We cannot continue to have games being affected in such a dramatic way because of player and refereeing uncertainty.

Davies: Off the ball tackle, lifts player to beyond the horizontal four foot in the air, intentionally drops player, player falls on upper back and neck with full weight of the body

Ferris: On the ball tackle, one leg taken above horizontal, other foot barely goes six inches off the ground, player lands on side

Refreshed, Revitalised, Rejuvenated

My friends, once more have I let you down. Once more have I retreated under the soft, warm eiderdown of obscurity. Once more have I failed to deliver my erudite opinions to you.

I am shamed. SHAMED.

There was good reason for my disappearance, though. I quite simply couldn’t bring myself to discuss any more about England’s World Cup “performance”. I tried to defend. I tried to empathise. I tried to reason. But I grew tired. Tired of defending the indefensible. Tired of berating the unworthy. Tired of wasting my time.

I took a break. Time out to recharge the loins, to gird the batteries, to suckle at Mother Creativity's bounteous teat. And I'm glad I did. I am refreshed, revitalised and rejuvenated. Ready to take on the sporting world, ready to right the so many wrongs I see around us, ready to take you to places you never thought possible (sort of).

I hope you will join me, my friends, I predict a belter of a year.