Monday, 24 June 2013


Hello my friends. Wow, it's been a while.

What have you all been up to? Progressing your careers? Getting married? Having kids?

Nah, me neither. Quiet year really. Hence why I've not been on here supplying you all with fucking hilarious anecdotes and witty repartee.

That was until something magical happened. Something so glorious I couldn't contain myself. I had to log on and type.

That's right my friends, Kurtley Beale. Kurtley-Fucking-Beale.

Wait. Give me a second. Yeah it's still funny.

I don't normally take pride in laughing at people's misfortune. Why?

Because it's usually MY misfortune.

Not this time though.

No, this time others have to suffer the pain of a last minute balls-up. Others have to deal with the embarrassment of leading your school sports-day race only to find your pants have fallen down, tripped you up and left you sprawled on the ground with a grass-burn on your genitals.

There is a great Ian McGeechan quote from the 1997 Lions tour in South Africa.

"When an animal is wounded, it returns in frenzy. It doesn't think. It fights for its very existence."

Now, that may be true. But when the animal in question looks like a startled pug, I don't think we've got all that much to worry about.

Bring on the second test.

Oh, and Kurtley, clean your boots, son.

Friday, 2 March 2012

6 Nations Hero & Villain Award - Week 3

Another week, another action packed weekend of test rugby has passed us by and there were some stand out performances both good and bad.


This week's 6 Nations Hero award goes to Stuart Hogg of Scotland. I said in a previous post he will be an important element of Scotland's attack in the future and he proved it against France. Alright Scotland lost, but Hogg impressed me immensely and Scotland finally have hope that some talent is emerging in the backline. Well done, sir.


Now many of you will expect me to give Steve Walsh or Iain Ramage (TV ref) this week's award, but you'd be wrong. As much as I believe Strettle grounded the ball, if the shoe was on the other foot I'd argue 'til I was blue in the face that you couldn't award a try. So someone else gets it this week.

And that someone is the tatooed, butter fingered felch-bucket that is Courtney Lawes. Many, including me, called for him to be back in the England team. He got his chance but broke English hearts. Allowing the ball to be ripped so easily in a strike position for Wales is unforgivable. Alright, Scott Williams finished well *lucky bounce*, but Courtney, Courtney, Courtney, you fucked it up, son. Sadly, he's now out for the rest of the tournament so won't have the opportunity to redeem himself. Fart in a jar for that man.

Thursday, 23 February 2012

When Two Objects Collide

When two moving objects, both possessing momentum by virtue of their mass and velocity, collide with one another, there is a total momentum that is equal to their combined mass and the vector sum of their velocity.

The total momentum is the sum of the various individual momentum products. In terms of a formula, this is expressed as MV = m1v1 + m2v2 + m3v3 +… and so on.

Basically, this means that if Manu Tuilagi and Jonathan Davies hit each other at full tilt on Saturday, there’ll be one giant fuck of an impact.

Both men are 6’1”, Davies weighs in at 103kgs (16st 3lbs), Tuilagi tips the scales at 110kgs (17st 5lbs), and according to my calculations – formulated extremely scientifically using a stop watch and clips from YouTube – both men travel at about 18.5 mph when they’ve got the afterburners on. Given they’re both playing at 13 and will have plenty of space to get their speed up I’d wager we’ll see at least one collision that, if inflicted upon us mere mortals, would dispatch us into a celestial realm quick-smart.

It’s set up to be an absolute ripsnorter. Wales are still favourites, but with the changes England have made the chances of an upset have risen, not massively, but they have risen.

Game on.

England: 15 Ben Foden, 14 Chris Ashton, 13 Manusamoa Tuilagi, 12 Brad Barritt, 11 David Strettle, 10 Owen Farrell, 9 Lee Dickson, 1 Alex Corbisiero, 2 Dylan Hartley, 3 Dan Cole, 4 Mouritz Botha, 5 Geoff Parling, 6 Tom Croft, 7 Chris Robshaw (capt), 8 Ben Morgan

Replacements: 16 Rob Webber, 17 Matt Stevens, 18 Courtney Lawes, 19 Phil Dowson, 20 Ben Youngs, 21 Toby Flood, 22 Mike Brown

Wales: 15 Leigh Halfpenny, 14 Alex Cuthbert, 13 Jonathan Davies, 12 Jamie Roberts, 11 George North, 10 Rhys Priestland, 9 Mike Phillips, 1 Gethin Jenkins, 2 Ken Owens, 3 Adam Jones, 4 Alun Wyn Jones, 5 Ian Evans, 6 Dan Lydiate, 7 Sam Warburton (capt), 8 Toby Faletau

Replacements: 16 Richard Hibbard, 17 Paul James, 18 Ryan Jones, 19 Justin Tipuric, 20 Lloyd Williams, 21 James Hook, 22 Scott Williams.