A meeting of minds

My Gran once told me; "Mother, its not the size of the nail that matters, it's the size of the hammer that hits it home." I never really understood what she meant but it's stuck with me.

She was a great girl my gran, she always made sure there were guys around the place to teach me rugby and stuff - my grandad died before I was born you see. Great woman, generous and kind hearted. And athletic to boot, all the guys I used to meet when I went round for tea used to tell me how flexible she was. I think she used to teach them gymnastics in the garden or something. Great gal.

Anyway I was thinking about that old saying of hers when I was watching the England game on Saturday. It's not the size of the win that mattered, what mattered was the win itself. Italy were pretty dogged and respect should go to them. England will be out to prove something this weekend though as will Ireland. It threatens to be a great game.

That aside, I've had my attention diverted to other things this week. Namely Eye's Right, B*llocks Tight's first exclusive interview. That's right folks, Mother Rucker is moving up in the world.

One man has taken it upon himself to shed some light on these dark economic days of ours. Bob Babbington is that man and the light that he’s shining comes in the form of his innovation to the great game, Sim Rugby, see the fruits of his labour at simrugby.co.uk.


Bob, who is the World President and Global Guardian-in-Chief of the United World-Wide Intra-Continental Sim Rugby Federation, took some time out of his busy schedule to meet with yours truly and give us an insight into his world and his vision.


MR: Bob, thank you for coming in to talk to me.


BB: Absolute pleasure, thank you for having me.


MR: I think we should probably get this out of the way first. My nephew is a big fan of yours, so I rather foolishly asked him what question he’d like to put to you. Here is his inspired offering.

If you could be an animal which would you be?


BB: I would be an owlard – a genetically-engineered cross between an owl and a leopard. I would use my owl wisdom to think up clever arguments that would convince people to play sim rugby, and then run around really fast like a leopard, so word got round quicker. Or maybe a monkle - combining the dexterity of a monkey and the sharp eyesight of an eagle would make me a great Sim Rugby player. If any rogue geneticists are reading this – get in touch.


MR: Good, now we’ve got that out of the way – how are you, Bob?


BB: Great. I feel like Newton must have felt when he invented the first gravity. I’m not saying that I’m the Newton of my age – that’s for others to say. But as the inventor of Sim Rugby, I’ve certainly earned my place in the history books.


MR: That you have, you’re right up there with Boyle, Andre and that bloke who invented the wind-up radio, what was his name….


BB: Trevor Baylis?


MR: Trevor Baylis, that’s it. Yeah, you’re up there with Baylis. So what did you do before Sim Rugby became such an important part of your life?


BB: I just did the usual stuff, you know… got married to my wife Barbara, had a kid. Just killed time, really. Then I discovered Sim Rugby, and my life began.


MR: And how has Barbara reacted to it all?


BB: My wife is a very – and I’m choosing my words carefully here – my wife is a very bitter, vindictive woman. She is jealous of my love of the game, and jealous of the time I devote to it. I do have to accept some responsibility for her unreasonable behaviour, though. ‘It takes two to pass a sim’, as they say. Maybe I could be a more loving or attentive husband. But Barbara is my wife – sim rugby is my life.


Well, you’re clearly a passionate man. What do you say to those who think Sim Rugby is a flash in the pan?


BB: To my doubters I have only one thing to say: You’ll be sorry (my solicitor has advised me not to elaborate). History will vindicate me, just as it vindicated other radical thinkers who were ahead of their time, like Martin Luther King, or Gandhi, or the guy who invented pet rocks.


MR: Martin Luther King and Gandhi, eh? You'd better watch out we know what happened to them.

Do you still follow rugby union?


BB: Of course. I would never, ever dismiss or belittle the more primitive versions of rugby. Rugby union still has its place in the sporting world because it’s of great historical interest; it shows us where sim rugby came from. It’s ‘living history’, if you like – just as Shakespearean theatre is still relevant, because it shows us where Holby City and Eastenders came from. Similarly, rugby union enriches our understanding of its more evolved form, Sim Rugby.


MR: We know you've got the England team involved in Sim Rugby but how are you faring in getting your message to the masses?


BB: The masses have embraced Sim Rugby wholeheartedly. The world needed this game, and I was the pair of forceps that brought it kicking and screaming into the world. So, now that everyone has embraced the game so enthusiastically, it’s only a matter of time before someone starts actually playing it.


MR: Are there any other celebrity ambassadors who you're targeting to promote the game?


BB: I want the game to become mainstream family entertainment, so I’ve made approaches to Ant and Dec. I thought they could incorporate a Sim Rugby event in that jungle programme of theirs. Certainly it would be much more entertaining than watching soap stars eat insects. And I always thought the name of their show was quite negative; why not re-name it ‘I’m a celebrity, let’s enjoy a game of Sim Rugby’? Their producer hasn’t yet answered my calls, or texts, or letters, or emails, or petitions, or local press ads. But it’s surely only a matter of time before the ‘powers that be’ pull their heads out of the sand and recognise the televisual potential of Sim Rugby. You heard it here first! Keep passing people!


MR: Bob, thanks for your time. It’s been a dream come true.