Don't cry for me....

I know it's late but I've been abroad promoting Eyes Right across Europe.

So - the anitpods have finally got their act together and invited the Argies to play in the tri-nations. What will it be called? The quad-nations? No, sounds like a farming equipment conference. The Quattro-nations? Fuck no, sounds like a shit pizza. The four-nations? Hmmm, I could go on but it doesn’t matter. The point is Argentina are now firmly where they belong. Slicking back their hair, taming polo ponies, quaffing inordinate amounts of malbec and gorging on prime steak at the head of the fucking IRB dinner table.

And those already sitting pretty at the top need to watch out. Lest we forget Argentina came third in the 2007 World Cup. THIRD!!! And that’s without a major annual competition in which to hone their craft. Now they’ve got the chance to take a massive step forward and not only compete in the big leagues (although they’re doing that already) but actually picking up some major, MAJOR scalps.

I for one will be more drawn than ever to the re-vamped tri-nations purely for the moment when Argentina scrape a win against the ABs in Dunedin. What a day that will be.

Gone but not forgotten

Christ – what a few weeks it has been. Apologies, fair readers, for Mother Rucker’s absence from the fibre optic highway but for the first time in this young knave’s life one has been busy at work. Quite ridiculous really that a blogger who is supposed to be blogging on rugby has completely missed the tri-nations, the opening weekend of the Guinness Premiership, the Magners League, etc, etc, flap, flap, flap. Well, I can honestly say, hand on heart, I am sorry. Must do better. And one shall.

Lets kick off with a bit of a round up of what the bloody hell has actually been going on whilst I’ve been off air. Well for a start the Saffas have won the tri-nations. This is fine. As long as the Australians don’t win the damn thing I couldn’t care one iota. Yes, it can be spectacular rugby and I enjoy watching it. But, care who wins? I do not.

Except in Australia’s case.

NZ winning it is fine - they’re generally expected to. SA winning in is fine – they’re the world champs and been playing some pretty awesome stuff. But watching Oz winning is like being forced to rub a poisonous Amazonian tree frog into your genitals. Not fucking enjoyable.

Don’t get me wrong I have nothing against Australians per se. Except for the fact they’re whingeing, arrogant, whiny bastards of course. But I recall back in ’03 when England had just won the world cup. Some fellow charioteers and I were giving the oppo’ supporters some jovial post match banter when one of them turned to me and said, in that all too familiar Australian upward inflicting drawl, “wait ‘till you’ve won it twice before you start shooting your mouth off you pom c*nt”.

Now, those of you who know me well will know that my fuse is about as long as Ronnie Corbett’s trouser leg. But amazingly there was no physical violence – how could I taint such a perfect day – and the fact I had received such an angry response to an England victory made the celebrations even sweeter. But that incident reaffirmed my belief that everyone, everywhere, must do everything they can to prevent Australia winning anything in the future. Well done South Africa and well done England for bring the Ashes home - no one cares about pyjama cricket anyway.

The Guinness Premiership has of course kicked off. Well done to George Robson for taking a mere 40 seconds of the season to prove unequivocally that Quins are a bunch of tossers. Wasps are off to a flier as are Sarries and Bath are below Leeds. Not exactly how I would have scripted it but there’s a long way to go.

I wondered whether I should put my balls on the block and make a prediction on who would win the premiership this year. Well, I’m going to. You’ve heard it here first. London Irish.